Tom was done, too. Done with the marriage and done with her. He and Marsha were living separate lives in their home. Communication
was
virtually extinct except for arguing, and avoidance seemed the best option.
He soon found someone else and blamed her for his infidelity.However, no one wanted to be the first to file for divorce. What would their friends think? What about the children? Marsha felt trapped and she was sure Tom did, too. Oh, they’d been to counseling, but it didn’t really help. They would meet with a counselor for one hour every week, and spend the rest of the week arguing. She never thought this would happen to her and yearned for things to be different, that she and Tom could find that spark again. Their spark was now a dying ember in the midst of the coals. “Happy Valentine’s Day? Yeah right,” she had muttered, wiping away her tears.
Unfortunately, there are many Marshas and Toms out there, thinking that Valentine’s Day is definitely not a happy time. Instead, the holiday reminds them how un-happy they really are. Their marriage was ‘supposed’ to be a loving, caring relationship enveloped in admiration and respect. Somehow throughout the years, it became cold, distant and enveloped in distrust and pain. As the divorce rate continues to climb (as high as 50% for both
What options are there for reconciliation of marriages? Some couples seem to crawl their way up through marriage seminars and books. Others gather help through one-hour-weekly counseling. Wellspring
But what about couples on the brink of divorce? Is there any answer for them? If you, or someone you know, feel like Marsha and Tom, there is hope. There is another alternative to reconcile your marriage. Wellspring
Marriage Reconciliation Week provides couples with a week-long intensive counseling and mediation service that is personally designed to meet the specific needs of each couple. Each couple meets with their personal counselor, who devotes the entire week to helping them restore their relationship. This format has become nationally-known, and conflicted couples and families come from all parts of the country to St. Louis to reconcile their relationship through this process. Couples stay in a local hotel away from phones, work, and family so they can focus solely on their marriage.
Prior to the Marriage Reconciliation Week, individual phone sessions with the counselor, as well as assigned homework, help prepare couples for the process. The couple spends the first day with two counselors certified in conciliation. They have a chance to tell their “story” without interruptions. Often, this is the first time a spouse has had that opportunity. By the end of the first day, stories are heard and issues are identified. The next three days are spent dealing with the specific problems. The counselors commit seven hours every day with that couple alone, working through their pain, instructing them, and allowing the Lord to heal their hearts.
Proverbs 4:23 states that the “heart is the wellspring of life.” As the couple seeks reconciliation, they are encouraged to examine their “well” and allow the Lord to work in their hearts. The last day, the couple is ready to write an agreement that addresses the issues. Couples describe the agreement as a “safety net.” One couple stated: “We keep this agreement by the bed and read over it to remind us of the new tools we learned to make this marriage work.” Some couples include in their agreement a family meeting to address everyone involved of the new changes that will be starting. A couple from Ohio said, “We wanted to incorporate a family meeting into our agreement because we felt we needed to seek forgiveness from our children for the bad ways we had treated each other.”
When couples hear about the process, there are some common questions asked. One of them is, “We can’t agree on anything. How do you expect us to write an agreement?” What we have found is that after going through the Marriage Reconciliation Week, hearts have been changed. They are not in the same state on Friday as they were on Monday. Another common question is, “Well, I am willing to do a Marriage Reconciliation Week, but what if my spouse doesn’t want to?” Our trained staff take time to personally address any issues or concerns. They realize that couples feel hopeless, and committing to a Marriage Reconciliation Week is a big step. The most common question is, “What if we don’t reconcile?” Most couples do reconcile; however, if they cannot, the agreement can simply address the substantive issues, such as who gets the car, how do we split up our finances, etc. It is not a legally binding contract, but it is one that can be taken to a judge as a mutually identified agreement.
The most effective reconciliation occurs when the church becomes involved. Churches are learning more about Marriage Reconciliation Week and see it as a great process to help their members restore their marriages. Pastors recognize that certain marital problems require extensive counseling and many feel they have neither the time nor the expertise to successfully navigate toward reconciliation. After a Marriage Reconciliation Week, churches can then offer a loving support system for the couple and provide accountability; sometimes, a mentoring couple in the church can lend additional guidance. Many couples decide to share their agreement with their pastor so they can gather that support. The phrase, “It takes a village…” can be the most effective and painless way to begin permanent change.
As far as the cost, one can think of the Master Card commercial. “There is a cost to everything, but some things (like restoring a marriage and family), are priceless.”
For more information about Marriage Reconciliation Week, or other counseling services offered, contact Wellspring Christian Counseling at (314) 878-5425 or visit us on the web at www.wellspringstl.org.
