Six Traits that Build, Strong, Healthy Families

Part Two

Last month I began a series on the six traits that build healthy families entitled, “Let’s Build Strong, Healthy Families for Christ.” We learned that the first trait of healthy families is commitment. We also learned it isn’t always easy to be committed to our families when difficult times arise. I introduced you to Betty, a woman who was committed to her husband in a very challenging circumstance. And I reminded the readers that Christ was committed to us, even before we became Christians. He suffered and died for us while we were yet sinners (Romans 5:8).

Here is another Bible verse to think about, “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain (Psa. 127).” As we discuss the six traits that build strong, healthy families for Christ it is critical that we remember to build our homes as we rely upon the Lord!

The second trait that builds strong, healthy families is appreciation and affection. How do you show appreciation to members of your family? Do you tell your spouse, children, teenagers, and adult children and grandchildren that you are proud of them? Do you praise them when you catch them doing something right? Do you encourage your children when they struggle with homework or even household chores? Do you encourage them to do the best they can? Do you show your children you appreciate and value them by attending Brownie, Girl Scout, Cub Scout, Boy Scout programs, school, and sports activities? Are you there at these sports activities, even when your child sits on the bench? Do you spend time together and enjoy each other’s company in and outside of the home? Do you ask them about their day and pray with and for them when things don’t go the way they would like?

How do you show affection in your family? How do you show them that you love and care about them? Do you show them unconditional love? Do you hug them? Do you tell them you love them and that you are proud of them?

Do your children see you show love and affection to your spouse? Do they hear you apologize when you do something wrong?

Jill Savage, author of My Hearts At Home, recently shared the following story with me. She said, “My husband and I got into a fight. We said things that were not loving. It was a loud argument and our five children were at home when it began so they heard us fighting. The next day when I thought all the children were gone, I called my husband at the office and apologized to him. One of my daughters heard the conversation. The next day she said, ‘Mom, I thought it was so neat that you called dad and said you were sorry about your fight.’ She learned as I modeled how to offer forgiveness to my husband. Our children need to see us modeling our faith, as well as speaking about it.”

It’s a fact. Even though we are Christians, we still sin and fail each other every day. We don’t always do what we are supposed to do. Especially in the home! Would you agree that the home is probably the most difficult place to live our faith? Do you find yourself loosing your temper with your children or spouse and saying or doing things that are unkind or sinful? Or getting angry at your husband or wife and saying inappropriate things? Give yourself time to cool off. Then remember to say, “I’m sorry--will you forgive me?”

My husband, Tjaden, grew up in a home that showed affection and has never had a problem showing his love. He regularly communicates his love in words and actions. The following is one story about how he showed affection.

Our daughter, Coreen, attended Lutheran High School South in Affton, MO some years ago. She was very active in several after school activities, including the Lancerettes. They performed at basketball and football teams and practiced every weekday evening after school. It was her birthday. My husband decided to surprise her and brought flowers to one of the practices. She remembers this with great affection. She told me later, “At first I was a little embarrassed, but then two of my classmates whispered to me, ‘Wow! I wish my dad would do something like that. You are so lucky, Coreen!’ I realized quickly that I was lucky and should be proud of my dad who was willing to show his affection and love for me in this way.”

Some families show affection with hugs as they enter and leave the home. Others hear words of encouragement regularly. But, some mothers, fathers and stepparents don’t feel comfortable showing affection or saying, “I love you.” “I appreciate you.” “Thank you.” Wherever your family is, remember you can improve this area of your life. Start with small steps if you find appreciation and affection difficult. Write your children, husband or wife a note and place it in their lunchbox, schoolbag or briefcase where they will find it. Say, “You are a special son, daughter, wife or husband. Thanks for being my son, daughter, husband or wife!”

It’s not easy for everyone to show appreciation and affection. It’s much easier to criticize others. Try not to criticize. Remember the saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me?” That is not true! Words do hurt us! They can do emotional damage. Don’t say things that will hurt family members. If they are doing something that you don’t like, express your feelings without losing your temper. Encourage and uplift rather than put others down or say negative things. Recognize accomplishments and good qualities in your children and spouse. Create a pleasant environment for the home. Members of your family should feel safe and secure in our conversations with each other. They should be happy to be at home.

On the other extreme, there are families that abuse their children and never show appreciation or affection. Recently on a Family Shield radio program I interviewed Diane Stelling. She came from an abusive family. She talked about what happened to her as an abused child. She hid in closets to stay away from her father when he was abusive and angry. No appreciation or affection was shown. She explained how the lack of appreciation and affection caused her to become an abuse victim in her book Honor Thy Father and Mother.

Diane mentioned that when people tried to hug her after growing up in an abusive family, she backed off. She wasn’t use to it, and felt very uncomfortable when people tried to hug her. Be sensitive to situations like this one. Don’t force hugs on those people whose body language tells you this is not something they feel comfortable with. Affection can be communicated through words and actions, too. If you need to improve this area of your life, pray and ask the Lord to help you. He will!

Next month we will continue this series on the “Six Traits that Build Healthy Families.” Trait three and four will deal with positive communication and spending time together.

Kay L. Meyer is the founder and president of Family Shield Ministries, Inc. and host of its weekly, hour-long, radio program heard each week on 11 stations in nine states. The ministry is based in St. Louis. The Family Shield radio program is heard in St. Louis on AM 850 KFUO on Saturday’s at 11:05 a.m. and on Sundays at 7:05 p.m. To schedule Kay as a speaker or to contact her go to KLMeyer@worldnet.att.net.