Beyond Sexual Abstinence (Part II)
By Tom McKnight
“How Far is Too Far?” That was
the talk title I prepared as an associate pastor in the 1980’s for a youth
group meeting. Like many Christian
leaders, I was concerned about the growing sexual activity of the young people
in and out of the Church. The title was intended to attract youth who were
interested in seeing what 
God
had to say about dating, romance and sexual expression before marriage.
To my surprise, we had double
the number of kids that night. Some were obviously there because of mom and dad.
Others were either curious or in need of God’s standard for dating.
Regrettably, the title had more
pizzazz than did my talk content. I
reviewed a handful of Scriptures addressing fornication and lust. In conclusion,
I challenged them to set their own standards about how far they felt they
could go without sliding toward the sin of premarital intercourse in their
dating relationships.
Like many Christian leaders, I
had not clearly thought through the biblical material related to sexual
relationships in and out of marriage. Sadly, all I left the young people with
was spiritual encouragement aimed at sanctifying recreational dating system,
rather than questioning its legitimacy all together.
In the last decade or so a new
discussion has emerged in the Christian community related to dating, romance
and marriage. This dialogue is desperately needed because parents and young
people desire a clearly articulated, biblical standard for opposite sex
relationships. In the paragraphs to follow I would like to briefly summarize
what some have called the “Christian Courtship” model. Keep in mind that methods
and application of this approach may vary, but there is much agreement on core
biblical principles.
Trust in God’s Sovereignty
In preparing our young people for romance and
marriage, the underlying value we must teach, train and model is submission to God’s
Word and His sovereignty over their lives. Our children must believe in the
depth of their souls that honoring God and pursuing His will takes precedence
over chasing girls or longing for romance. A principal parenting preoccupation
must be to instill in the minds and hearts of children the promise of Psalms 37:3, 4 – “Delight yourself in
the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”
In contrast, the culture pressures
young people to pursue romance through recreational dating as a means to
maturity and marriage above all else. The “quest for love” can easily consume a
young girl’s heart. Romance novels and teen magazines filled with relationship
and sexuality articles are cash cows in the publishing industry.
Christian young people are
getting swept up in this whirlwind of lust, romance and sex. Too many Christian
teenage girls know more about prom dresses than they do about God’s Word. Their
hearts, rather than delighting in God’s providential care, treasure the
attention and affirmation of the opposite sex in sacrosanct proportion.
Submission to Paternal Oversight
While secular “dating websites” discourage
young people from parental input about romance, paternal direction and guidance
in a young person’s quest for a marriage partner is God’s guardrail to keep
them from potential danger. As one of its most basic precepts, courtship gives the father of a young
woman oversight of her romantic commitments. He is God’s delegated authority in
her life. Any young man seeking the affection of a young lady, with marriage as
the goal, must first get her father’s blessing.
Many dads regrettably relinquish
this responsibility. It is amazing how quickly most Christian fathers train and
oversee their daughters credit card and cell phone minute usages, yet remain
passive outsiders in matters of romance and marriage. What’s more important, a
man’s bank account or the purity of his daughter’s heart?
Clearly, if there is going to be
parental oversight in these matters two things must be present in a family.
First and foremost, there must be a heart level disposition of respect and
honor for parental authority (Ephesians 6:1,
2). Children can be taught to appreciate and desire the protection of mom and
dad’s love and influence. The rebellion of America’s youth culture has no place
in Christian homes and should be considered sinful not “normal” adolescent
development.
Equally as important, parents
must cultivate loving, trust-filled relationships with their children at a very
early age. Courtship requires that they disciple their sons and daughters
toward a radical and counter-cultural manner of relating to members of the
opposite sex. This takes a deep partnership between parents and their children
rooted in mutual trust, nurtured for years.
For a father who has neglected
his family to tell his sixteen-year-old son he can’t date would be like a
pauper strolling into a bank seeking a million dollar withdrawal. If a man has
not invested into the relationship with his son or daughter, demands for
paternal authority in the teen years will most likely breed conflict and
resentment.
Commitment to Romantic Abstinence
The courtship model limits intentional
romantic attachments to couples interested in and capable of pursuing marriage,
and, by default, rejects “recreational romance” so common in our culture. It is
a commitment of a young person, under the guidance of his or her parents, to
not enter into romantic relationships until the son or daughter is ready to
marry.
So, while the purity pledge movement
stresses sexual abstinence, the courtship movement stresses sexual purity in
the heart - “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of
life.” (Proverbs 4:23) The abstinence movement asks young people to
save their bodies for their future spouse. The courtship movement asks young
people to save their hearts.
The belief that recreational
dating and cyclical romances can prepare young people for marriage denies the
very nature of God’s design for young people “coupling up” in the first place:
marriage and procreation. As one author noted, “don’t pre-heat the oven if you’re
not ready to cook.” It’s no coincidence that the development of non-chaperoned
dating in the last century coincided with exploding rates of unwed pregnancies,
abortion and STDs.
Recreational dating also
places excessive importance on romance as the foundation for choosing a
marriage partner. The “dating-then-breaking-up-cycle” is often repeated
numerous times in a young person’s life before they marry. Unintentionally,
this teaches young people that when the romantic feelings wane the relationship
should end. But romance in marriage is a by-product of love, not a test of it.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it should be
noted that any method of choosing a mate is flawed because it involves sinful
people. What is imperative is that young people, parents and church leaders
seek to apply biblical principles, not their experiences or cultural norms, to sexual
relationships in and outside of the marriage covenant.
The Church is called be the light
to our dark, immoral and lascivious culture. Sexual abstinence is a start,
but we can go far beyond this rudimental standard. We must challenge our children
and grandchildren to desire the hope, love and joy of sexual purity.
