Beyond Sexual Abstinence (Part I)

By Tom McKnight

While Christians disagree about many matters, there are some issues on which we find complete harmony. The moral decline in our culture, epitomized by seemingly limitless sensuality is one such matter. Christians lament, and rightfully so, the erosion of social restraints and standards of modesty that were at least acknowledge by mainstream society in relationships just decades ago. In short, what the Bible calls sin, the culture now calls entertainment and freedom.

Clearly, this dumbing down of our culture’s sense of sexual propriety and innocence is evident in almost every facet of American life. The sexual images our grandfathers had to hunt for in dark alleys on a Saturday night our sons see every day on billboards, in magazines and store windows. Television, movies and advertising scream to our society, and more importantly our children, that romance, love and especially sex are the keys to fulfillment. Preying on the lusts of the male mind, internet porn sites are the largest and fast growing segment of the World Wide Web. Adultery, by Jesus’ standard, is just a mouse click away. Indeed, the sexualization of American culture is insidious and immense.

The fallout of society’s “sex without boundaries” approach to relationships is evident in every area of American life. Teenage pregnancy, abortion and suicide rates have all sky rocketed as sexual standards have plummeted. Marriage rates are at an historic low, while co-habitation, divorce, rape and incest rates continue to climb to record highs. We are becoming a people saturated with sex, yet strangers to the self-restraint so essential for love.

Christian parents and Church leaders are naive if they think the tidal wave of sexual temptation will bypass their families and congregations. The research indicates that sexual addiction and adultery, as well as premarital sex and abortion rates in the Christian community are nearly as high as the culture at large.

The Blessing of Abstinence Education

The rejection of God’s truth about sexuality has indeed infiltrated every fiber of our culture and the situation is very grim. But there is hope. One such glimmer of light on the dark horizon of our culture is the increase in abstinence education in our schools and churches like Best Choice Education of the St. Louis Pregnancy Resource Centers and The Best Friends Foundation, as well as the abstinence pledge movements like True Love Waits.

Clearly these efforts are making a difference. Despite the propaganda of Planned Parenthood and other like-minded “free sex” advocate groups, abstinence education does have a positive effect on young people. According to research released in Adolescent and Family Health this year, young people who participate in abstinence education and pledge virginity are six and half times less likely to have sex; two times less likely to drink; and eight times less likely to use drugs compared to their peers. The research also demonstrates that young people who refrain from sexual activity in high school do better in school, suffer from less depression and maintain more stable family relationships.

Abstinence education works. Kids are smarter, healthier and happier when they choose this life style. For this we should all be grateful. But as Christians, is the biblical standard just to keep our kids technical virgins? If this is our primary objective in sex education, we may be creating more confusion in the minds and hearts of our youth than we intended. Let me explain.

The Mixed Message of Dating

Most Christian parents, youth pastors and church leaders communicate to young people that sex is God’s idea and that it is good. They extol the beauty of a husband and wife uniting in love’s most intimate expression. This glorious view of marital sex is buffeted with the abstinence standard: postpone opening “God’s gift” until wedding bells ring. The message is simple, “Sex is good, but wait until you’re married.”

When God gives direction for sex, He does it either to protect us from harm, or to provide for our needs. Or both.

But this biblical view of sexual expression can become complicated and create a double bind for Christian youth. The same leaders who espouse the virtue of sexual abstinence, quickly encourage the same young people (youth not anywhere close to a marital commitment) to bond emotionally and, even in a limited way, physically with members of the opposite sex (hand holding, hugging and limited kissing) in dating relationships.

The results of this mixed message (abstain from sex, but pair up like married couples for fun) has filled our churches with technical virgins whose hearts are full of lust for the opposite sex. While virginity is important and the abstinence movement is good, it simply does not go far enough. The Bible exhorts single Christians to a much higher and glorious path beyond abstinence to sexual purity.

The Importance of Heart Protection

In Proverbs 4:23 we are challenged to “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” The heart is the inner part of a young person that encompasses their mind, will and emotions. One day each young person will most likely give their heart to another in marriage. Does giving part of it away to many others during the “dating years” really prepare them for marital fidelity?

The Apostle Paul challenges young Timothy to sexual purity (not just abstinence) in II Timothy 2:22. “Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord with a pure heart.” The standard set for Timothy is not merely abstinence, but a protection of his inner person that will keep him pure before God and others.

Some Christian leaders and parents argue that if teens don’t date they won’t be prepared for marriage. Let’s take that logic and apply it to our spiritual lives where God requires whole-hearted devotion to Him. Do we want our young people worshipping Mohammad, Vishnu or any other God before they come to Christ? Most certainly not! Idolatry would never prepare a person for commitment to Christ. So why do we think encouraging young people to give their heart away to another who is not their spouse will prepare them for sexual purity in their future marriages?

As one author has stated, “Being emotionally vulnerable is not something we practice so we will be ready for marriage. Vulnerability is something we protect so we will be prepared to give freely in marriage.”

Unfortunately, far too many Christian leaders and parents have never even pondered these very serious matters. Socialized by the secular culture they simply try to sanctify the dating system rather than question its legitimacy. There is a better way to prepare our young people for healthy, whole, Christian marriages.

Next month I will examine one real, viable option that many Christian leaders and parents are embracing for their families and churches. Building on biblical principles we can create an environment that goes beyond abstinence toward sexual purity. Our teenagers and young adults desperately need it. More importantly, God requires it.

Tom McKnight is the Director of the Center for Family Renewal and is a featured speaker at the Contemporary Courtship Conference coming to the St. Louis area February 17 & 18, 2006. If you would like more information about the topics mentioned in this article, the Contemporary Courtship Conference or Tom’s teaching ministry, please visit www.RenewingFamilies.org. or call (636) 579-0535.