Your Kids Are Listening! Are You Talking?

By Emily Limbaugh

Parents, you are the most influential factor in your child’s life? When teens are asked, “Who holds the most influence in your life?” surprisingly, rock stars and athletes don’t top the list. An overwhelming majority of teens answer, “My parents.”

Children are created to be relational beings. The first relationships they develop are usually with their parents. Young people desire intimacy and the opportunity to communicate about the most important things in life – including sex. Unfortunately, many parents feel unprepared to discuss sex with their kids. Think about it: when (if) your parents talked to you about “the birds and bees,” was it painful? Perhaps even terribly embarrassing?

Times have changed. Our sexually saturated society doesn’t allow you the option of not talking about sex and sexuality with your child, because so much information, or should we say misinformation, permeates the culture around us. Today the options are clear. You can either choose to initiate and direct the conversation, or you can let culture’s preconceived ideas dictate your child’s beliefs about sexuality. Believe it or not, ignoring the issue often brings about a disastrous outcome of ignorance and perhaps a great deal of pain and loneliness for your child in the future. Remember, sex is not a four-letter word. It’s a gift. And research shows your kids want to hear about the issues from you.

As a parent, your greatest challenge and opportunity should be to provide information about sexuality to your child. Building a healthy relationship with your child is the most influential thing you can do to help him or her develop strong character and healthy sexuality.

It’s important to remember that you can make a difference. Your child is seeking for you to shape their life, not just physically and emotionally, but also in the areas of character and sexuality. You must also remember, however, that you are not responsible for the outcome. Each of us is born as a free agent with the right to make choices. Nevertheless, the fact remains that you are responsible, through what you say and do, to prepare your child for a life of healthy sexuality.

Let your kids know who you are. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to share all of your mistakes and weaknesses. Rather, you should share how your own experiences have impacted your journey. Allow your child to know that you have felt the same emotions they are experiencing. Help them see that you have walked in their shoes. When you allow your child to know that you experienced some of the same struggles growing up and had many of the same questions, they’re less likely to feel alone in their quest for maturity.

One final aspect of developing a healthy relationship with your child is learning how to serve their relational needs. All children need relationships in order to fill the areas of character and self-identity inside them. This doesn’t mean spoiling your child by giving in to their every whim-indeed, quite the opposite. The challenge for you is to provide your child with time, attention, affection, affirmation and comfort while at the same time giving appropriate structure, limits and guidance. All of these will contribute to a healthy sense of identity, so your child can develop their own self-esteem and self-confidence.

The following ‘Rules of Engagement’ are from Questions Kids Ask about Sex by the Medical Institute for Sexual Health which I believe are helpful.

* Start early. Work your way up to talking about sex. Enhance your one-on-one skills with your child by discussing appropriate personal health and safety issues as he grows. It will be easier for both you and your child to talk about sex if you’ve already developed a rapport and pattern for discussing sensitive subjects. These might include personal hygiene, dealing with strangers, resisting peer pressure, avoiding substance use, and anticipating puberty changes.

* Believe in your child and build confidence and self-control. Both children and adults tend to overestimate the number of teens who are sexually active. Never assume your child is incapable of resisting temptation. Instead, equip him with knowledge, confidence, and unconditional love and support. Help them establish high goals and expectations for themselves, and regularly praise them for their success.

* Look for teaching opportunities and use them. Many parents admit they have a hard time finding a good starting place for a discussion about sex, but if you’re observant, you’ll find natural “launching pads” for discussion all around. It might be a provocative commercial on TV, a popular singer’s attention-getting wardrobe, or a graphic sex scene in a movie.

* Relax and create an open environment for talking and listening. Your child can tell when you’re uptight. In order to foster an environment that’s conducive to meaningful discussion, you need to be calm and confident. Encourage your child to ask anything they want (and thank them when they do). If you don’t, they’ll probably seek an answer somewhere else. Don’t overreact to something they say, even if it’s not what you expected to hear. The goal is to make your home the preferred place for discussions. Don’t just talk. Ask questions. Listen to the responses.

* Give accurate, age-appropriate information. Listen closely to the questions you’re being asked. Don’t get lost in details if your child asks a very general question. Consider their age and what’s appropriate for them to know, but also remember that kids today experience puberty earlier than ever. Kids are also exposed to sexual imagery and vocabulary more freely and at a much younger age.

* Don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know.” Admitting to your child that you don’t know the answer to their question could be the one thing that helps your relationship thrive. They need to know you have limitations. Rather than letting this slow you down, use your lack of knowledge as an opportunity to research the issue in more depth together.

* Anticipate the next stage before it happens. It’s always better to be proactive than to be reactive. You can be an even stronger advocate for your child by preparing him for what’s ahead. Being proactive gives you the opportunity to discuss appropriate responses to a variety of situations that might arise.

* Be aware of your actions. As you become comfortable talking with your child about sexual issues, be careful about bringing up discussions during what might be an embarrassing time for them (such as when friends are around).

* Teach your child how to develop healthy relationships. As you talk to them about the importance of saving sex for marriage, it’s important that you provide them with alternatives on what to do with their emotions and physical desires. Learning how to develop strong friendships is a skill every child needs. Many young people grow up without learning about healthy friendships, so it’s no surprise that when they begin to seek a relationship with the opposite sex, they skip the friendship phase. Teach your child what healthy friendships look like. Also, encourage them to develop healthy relationships with adults other than yourself. These individuals can serve as great role models, resources for questions, and support for your child’s psychological and emotional growth.

* Integrate your family’s faith and values into the discussion. Never underestimate the power of faith when it comes to your child making a decision about becoming sexually active. According to the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health (the largest study of adolescent behavior ever), students who reported having taken a pledge to remain a virgin were significantly more likely to delay their sexual debut. In another poll, teens cited religion as the second-strongest influence in their lives, just behind their parents.

* Love your child unconditionally. Remind them how much you love them-for who they are, not what they do. And if they blow it, don’t take their mistakes personally. Step up to the plate and help them.

Remember, your child will learn about sex from someone. The question is…will it be from you?

Emily Limbaugh is the coordinator of the Pregnancy Resource Centers of Greater St. Louis’ Best Choice^SM Program…a free service offered to schools, churches and youth groups that teaches youth about sexual integrity. Emily is currently looking for young, vibrant and passionate speakers between the ages of 18 and 35 who would volunteer to speak to middle school and high school students about abstinence until marriage. For more information contact her at (314) 783-3040 extension 229. Schools, churches and youth groups are also encouraged to call to schedule a Best Choice^SM seminar at no cost.