Discipline A Child and They Shall…

By Steve Mizel

Having been in education for 15 years as a classroom teacher, a board member, and an administrator, I have come to a conclusion. Parenting is the hardest job I have. I have taught in a school where I had seven prep-periods; I have taught classes of 30 plus high school students, about half of whom had been reclassified (they had been retained at their grade level at least once); I have helped design and enforce discipline systems in both private and public school settings; I currently administrate a school of around 150 students – but none of these adventures equal the day-in and day-out challenge I have with the three little “angels” living under my roof with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. It’s just that they have the most unpredictable ways of making me feel absolutely inadequate as a parent. Have you ever wondered why grandparents are always smiling? I’m not sure if it is because they have all this parenting stuff figured out and they find our attempts humorous, or if it’s because they never figured it out and they’re simply glad that it’s our problem now instead of theirs.

Of all the challenges we parents face (and there are plenty of them!), there are few problems that plague us more persistently than the issue of daily discipline. How many of us have set out, confident in our masterly control of our children, only to find that once we are in the most public place (like at the grocery store or at church right in front of the pastor) that our kids demonstrate to the world how un-masterly our control actually is? It’s at that point that our confident control melts into a limp embarrassment.

I have seen this same scenario played out many times in the classrooms of my school. Kids who have been respectful and responsive for their teachers all day suddenly become openly demanding and disrespectful as soon as mom or dad show up – to their poor parents’ deep chagrin. Even though I try to explain that I fully understand that kids often behave better for others than they will for their own parents, I’m not sure the parents can hear how deeply I identify with their struggles (they often have a loud child yanking on their dress or climbing over their back at the time).

More than once I have had parents ask how our teachers do it – how do they take a class full of little inquisitive human whirlwinds and create such an orderly learning environment? Is it something we could bottle and send home with them? Think about the market potential! If they can make a hit reality TV show about a nanny who comes in and helps parents raise kids, surely a “Christian School Student Elixer” would sell like crazy!

While Christian educators can’t offer a perfectly balanced super-drink to make children behave like angels all the time, they can offer insight into a few biblical principles that help them create positive, well-structured classrooms. Please remember: these suggestions come from one who has also been (and often is!) muddied and bruised by walking in the same daily trench warfare with my kids.

1. Begin with a few clear expectations

Teachers have an advantage over parents right off the bat – they don’t know your children like you do at the beginning of the school year. How is that an advantage? Unlike we parents often do, they don’t try to work with unstated assumptions. Teachers realize they must clearly state their expectations from the outset if the kids are going to know how to act in their classrooms. They also realize that they need to keep those stated expectations to a minimum otherwise the students won’t be able to remember them to keep them. This requires teachers to think through which character traits and behaviors are most important to them – and on which they will be more flexible. These expectations are usually posted (with illustrative pictures for young children) to remind the students every day what the teacher would like from them.

As a parent I have often undermined myself by not being clear with my children about my expectations. I have hundreds (maybe even thousands) of unstated expectations for my kids. Some are more important than others. Which expectations are the most important can change often because I haven’t thought through which expectations are primary and which are secondary. What is the result? I get frustrated when they don’t live up to my expectations and they get frustrated because I seem to be changing the rules of the game depending on my daily mood! Step one is to think through what I want from my children in the way of behavior, limit the list to what is truly important, and then clearly state these expectations to my kids. Like our teachers do, it might even help us to post the list on the refrigerator (or some other high traffic area like directly above the TV screen!).

2. Define your expectations with defined procedures

Expectations are a start, but are not enough in themselves. We may state our expectations as “Be Respectful,” “Be Responsible,” or “Be Diligent,” but these statements are too broad and vague for both you and your kids. Teachers define broad expectations with specific behavioral procedures like “To be respectful, you can’t talk when I or a classmate is talking” or “To be responsible you will need to take your take-home folder home every night and ask your mom or dad to look inside it.” We do this as well by defining our expectations with statements. For respect we might say, “Wait until I am finished speaking to another adult before you talk to me” (this might be accompanied by allowing your child to put his hand on your elbow while you talk so you know he or she is waiting). For responsibility, we might say, “You need to put all your toys back in the toy box before you can go on to the next activity.” If you find yourself overwhelmed by the number of processes you are trying to remember, refocus on what is truly important. Other behaviors you would like to see changed might have to be overlooked for a time while you focus on the behaviors you deem most important.

3. Set clear consequences

Clear expectations and procedures are a start, but they are nothing without clear consequences. Our kids need to know what we want, but they also need to know what will happen if we don’t get it! Setting consequences ahead of time helps us out as well by making sure we are not fluctuating in our response, over-reacting one day and being too lenient the next. The consequences should be measured and appropriate, moving from the warning stage to the discipline stage as called for by our kid’s behavior.

Teachers found classroom success on the bedrock of trust, and teachers know that students must perceive them as fair and consistent if the students are going to trust them. We, as parents, must build on the same rock. Even though it can be difficult to set proper consequences (and the process may need to be adjusted as we go), it is a necessary process.

4. Be consistent in both the expectations and the consequences

Let’s be honest, this is the hardest part. It’s great to have clear expectations, to creatively and clearly state them with consequences, but it will be meaningless if we are not consistent with our part of the process. Teachers who overlook bad behavior one day because they are too tired or distracted to deal with it, and then the next day explode and over-react with discipline over the same behavior will, in fact, provoke greater misbehavior from their students! Why? Students crave boundaries. Sure they say they hate rules, but don’t be deceived – they need them, and they need us to hold them to the rules. God has designed us to find a sense of safety and security within clear behavioral boundaries. Kids will try to find those boundaries and will test regularly to see if they change. The more the boundaries of our expectations and discipline change (in the classroom or the home) the more we provoke our children to test the boundaries through misbehavior!

Have you ever wondered why people’s favorite teachers are usually the teachers who had high expectations and disciplined all the students consistently and fairly when necessary? It is because those teachers met our needs as students. They gave us clear boundaries that were consistently enforced.

Believe it or not, this simple formula is the core of successful classroom management. But here is the bad news (for teachers and parents alike): you can do all of the above and still fail. Have you ever heard the saying, “You can win the battle but lose the war?” Good teachers do much more than simply control behavior: they inspire students to achieve. In like manner, we as parents can force our kids to comply with our wishes, but what we really want is heart-led obedience. Compliance comes when our child yields his or her will to ours simply because he fears a consequence or craves a reward. When a better offer comes along (or the rules of reward change), so will the child’s behavior.

A great discipline system will produce compliance, but we want more than compliance. We want our children’s hearts to be in tune with God. We want them to ultimately do what is right because it is right, not simply because they will be rewarded or disciplined. This is where our relationship with our children is more important than any system we use to train them. Why do our kids crave the boundaries our discipline creates? It is because our discipline is a demonstration of our love, and they know it. Any discipline system that is going to be ultimately successful will have to be strict, but it will need to be a strictness governed by grace and personal humility.

I once heard that the three best reasons to become a teacher were June, July, and August. While that may not be exactly true, it is an advantage: teachers work with your child seven hours a day for nine months. Parents are parents 24/7. There is no doubt that few things in life are more challenging than parenting, but keep your courage up. Remember that one day, you also will get to be a grandparent who gets to smile knowingly as your kids get to learn the same lessons they’re teaching you now!

Steve Mizel is the Principle and Administrator of Victory Christian School and Chairman of the Christian Cooperating School District. For more information regarding Victory Christian School or the Christian Cooperating School District, call (314) 849-3425.