Criticism That Kills
By Nancy Wilson
One
of the great hindrances to Christian unity, whether in the home or in the
community at large, is a critical, back-biting tongue. It is not just a ‘bad
thing’ that we ought to generally avoid, but as Paul says, it kills and
destroys people. Those people whom it crushes and drives away are most often
our own parents, husbands, children, and fellow saints who should be our
friends.
I believe it was Charles Spurgeon
who said, "Fault finding is the easiest thing in the world."
Backbiting is a work of the flesh; it is not a fruit of the Spirit. Wisdom and
grace and maturity are not needed to have an eye to see the shortcomings of
others. Any fool can see how others fall short. What requires wisdom is the
ability to see our own sins and to think soberly of ourselves, not our normal
fleshly tendency to think "more highly" of ourselves than we ought (Romans 12:3).
Paul addresses this again in Philippians 2:3, "Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let
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esteem others better than themselves." Where there is criticism and
backbiting, the root problem is always pride. The other associated sins
may be jealousy and envy, but either way, pride is at the bottom. We have
no need to learn to think much of ourselves, to care for ourselves, to
consider our own needs, wants and desires. We already do that far too
much. The problem is getting us to think of others, to have a lowliness
of mind that springs from humility and love. Spurgeon (again) said, "Faults
are thick where love is thin." God never said we would not live with
people with faults. But He has told us that "love covers a multitude
of sins" (1 Peter 4:8). Peter says to "have
fervent charity among yourselves." This is what is needed in a world
full of sinners. Not just charity, but fervent charity. Criticism
and backbiting, rather than covering sin, expose it and breed more sin.
A critical spirit does not need to look far to find material for its favorite pastime of running people down. And because family members are usually in closest proximity, they get it the worst. Let's start with husbands. A wife commits the sin of backbiting when she runs her husband down to her parents, her children, her friends. She may laugh when she says these |
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things,
or she may tag "bless his heart" on the end of her remark;
but when she shares his faults, his shortcomings, or his sins with others
who have no need to know, she is sinning against the husband she is commanded
to respect. This is one way a foolish woman tears down her house with her
own hands (Proverbs 14:1).
A
wife can kill her husband with criticism to his face as well as behind his
back. This comes in many forms: complaining, criticizing, arguing, attributing
motives, not responding, sighing, rolling her eyes, or ignoring. A critical
spirit says, "You are not meeting my needs. You are not being a spiritual
leader. You are not being a good husband or father. You are not providing for
me the way I want. I wish you were more like so-and-so." This is the kind
of wife Proverbs describes as being a
drippy faucet (
But
this is the point where women begin to justify. "I know that's all true,
but you don't know my husband. You don't know what a poor leader he is."
Even if he is an unbeliever, Scripture tells women how to live with difficult
husbands. It is always sinful to run
people down in this manner, and it is especially sinful when it is the man who
is to receive honor and respect from you. We do not render obedience to God
only when we think it is a good idea; we are to obey God with a whole heart all
the time in every circumstance by the grace He provides. Once we compromise, it
is a slippery slope into many other sins. In this case, a wife is alienating the one
who should be the closest to her. Then she wonders why he isn't very loving
toward her.
Of
course all of this applies to other family members as well. Mothers who glibly
criticize their children are driving them away. When they do this to their
face, it is destructive and alienating. When they criticize them to their
friends, it is spreading the devastation even further. Children should receive
our input in a loving manner, and only after much has been covered with love.
But there is no excuse for parents to share negative things about their
children to anyone else. This springs from a self-righteous "I have been
wronged" attitude that is looking for pity. Sometimes it can come from a
desire to lord it over our children, to try to maintain some kind of control,
but it can never come from a charitable, merciful, gracious spirit.
If
you see yourself having a critical, back-biting spirit then repentance is
needed. If you have sinned with your mouth, repent and make restitution. Do not
say you were just joking. Confess to God a proud spirit and seek to be lowly of
mind. Seek forgiveness of your husband or your children and by all means, go to
your friends who have heard you speak unkindly and seek their forgiveness as
well. Ask God to cover your own sins and ask Him for love to cover the sins of
those around you. This is the only way to rescue a marriage or family from
impending destruction. It may not be too late to turn back the awful results of
a backbiting spirit.
The above article is reprinted by permission
from Vol. 13, Issue 3 of Credenda Agenda
magazine. Nancy Wilson is a conference speaker on women’s issues from a biblical
perspective and has written two books about the duties of Christian wives and
mothers; The Fruit of Her Hands and Praise
Her in the Gates. Her husband, Douglas
Wilson, serves as pastor of